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So….
Today was the start of the math EOCT for me…im sitting there with my friends and the guy i like right behind me and we are all talking and im pulled out to test some where else….i was pissed….today was going to be a good day but NOOOOOOO i had to leave that room….I write him a letter a day it seems…..but i will never have the nads to give them to him. I wish i could throw caution to the wind and kiss him….or tell him how i feel…..i guess im just scared to see the shock, disgust…and mostly the rejection in his eyes after words.
Love….
I see it in the friends i have who are married….i see it in the friends who have found love in high school while they can even if it doesn’t last forever they grabbed onto it and fucking ran with it…..and i fucking envy them for having the balls to do it when i can’t even tell my crush “Hey…you with the smile that makes me happy and the hugs that make me feel warm….i like you” i admire anyone who has the nads to grab love when they can with out worrying about looking like a damn fool.
you know
today in class….when i was sad my friend skipped me on a hug and i said he didn’t love me anymore….and you leaned over your deck and wrapped your arms around my shoulders and said “its ok…i love you” with that smile our cheeks touched when you hugged close….yeah….that was my heart beating out of chest and breaking at the same time because i know you didn’t mean it how i wanted you too……
I Hate
The fact that when i hear this fucking song….it makes me think of no one but you and i fucking smile. I don’t want to smile about ANYFUCKINGTHING involving you anymore…..I have kissed you, felt you close and wanted you to stay there…..but now….i feel so used. Even though i know you never meant to use me….you have respect for me i know that much, but did it ever cross your mind that i didn’t want to be respected….i wanted to be loved by you, be your thought in the morning…or that i wanted to be your everything.
It All
Comes to the point where life will kick you in the nads or vag and laugh as it walks off to leave you in your pain. But that is also the time where your true friends show up and give you ice for the pain, So many people have shown their true colors with me moving to my new school last year…people i never expected to be on my phone are now and one of the main people who i expected to be with me always….lost his fucking mind and decided i don’t fucking exist….but the way i see it is…fuck him if he wants to throw away five years of friendship for reasons only known to his fucked up mind. Am i bitter and mad?…fucking yes i am because i feel betrayed and wronged…and i am human after all….so fucking sue me for having feelings.
Music
Its so many emotions in one…..lust, anger, love, hope, pain and i have such a wide range of music i go through every day as i sit here and think shit through over this break. Right about Enigma- touchness is the lust part of my emotinons. lol and in a few moments it change to another song and my emotions will switch and new thoughts and feelings will stir in me. Thats one thing i like about music, after it touches you ears, you either grip onto it and love it or you hate it and turn it to something different but music never stop creating SOME kind of emotion in our hearts, minds and souls.
Some of the emotions aren’t always positive. Like now the music has changed to ever talented (and most beautiful voiced male in my eyes and ears) James Morrison - I won’t Let you go he stirs so many emotions in me when he sings this song….love,pain, hope. Love for someone who can’t return it, Pain because he won’t return it, but hope because their is a guy out there who will one day listen to this and think of me and he will smile.
Anyways…i digress with my pity party. I just wanted to write something and music was on my mind.
Love,
The Antagonist…..
